Grief & Loss Part 3

Today is a hard day. 

It's my mother in law's first birthday in Heaven.

Thankfully though, the sun decided to start shining bright today & the wind is blowing the beautiful trees while the birds sing their songs, so my spirits are lifted. I know Denise is free of pain & suffering. I know that her life, suffering & death impacted many lives. I know her prayers are even more powerful now. I know she's with my parent's, but it's still hard.

We're approaching the year anniversary of her death in the next few months & my day to day life is still constantly overshadowed with grief. I still miss her. We used to talk daily, so getting used to that is a challenge, just like how it was with mom & dad. To be honest, I really thought I would be feeling more "back to myself" by now after being through this before. I thought this might be slightly easier & in ways, it has been of course, but I'm still feeling very sad after the year we've had.

What has made these last months especially hard is all the life milestones & events that I can no longer share with her. Like our daughter talking & learning new words. Sharing our new home with her & discussing the reno's we have planned for the future. Preparing for this baby on the way with her & getting excited with her. All these joyful things & events in our lives are still very much overshadowed with grief & sadness. I already knew that this was how things would go for the next while, I just didn't realize it would still be just as hard today as it was in the fall when she passed.

I will keep trying to navigate this mysterious map of grief, knowing that there likely isn't any real final destination. There's really just a peace that eventually comes & enters your heart if you let it. It's not there today & likely won't be for the next while, but one day it will be there & the shadow of pain will be lifted from the day to day life.

Happy birthday in Heaven Denise.
We miss you & love you.

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I wanted to end this "series" with a few notes on what you can do to help someone you know who is suffering through loss. So, here we go...

- There is, in a sense a hierarchy when it comes to death. This was a great article on that point. Please take a moment to read it. And I just wanted to mention, if you're that person that, in the past posted to social media perhaps a bit too soon & before the immediate family, please don't feel too bad. We all make mistakes. Just apologize, learn from it & move on.

- There is no set time that someone will grieve for. Some people might be in the throws of deep grief for years, where others aren't.

- Remembering a special date or anniversary & sending a random note or letter to let someone know you're thinking of them can really can go a long way.

- Sending/dropping off a meal, snacks, coffees, flowers or cards are all really good & important things to do. Even helping with chores, daycare or grocery runs can really help those who just lost someone. Dealing with funeral arrangements, funeral expenses, phone calls, emails & grief on top of it all, the regular day to day stuff can be very overwhelming. But especially food... it shows that person that you're taking care of a fundamental need & wanting to nourish them with physical food & love. However, remember to be sensitive... don't just show up, unless you feel they're that kind of person that is ok with that & if you're close enough. Ask when you can pop by to drop off something or even visit if you feel they would like that. Work around their schedule & understand they might not be able to have you visit right away.

- Say: "I'm sorry for your loss" or something to that effect if you're talking to someone who just lost someone they loved. Acknowledge their loss & pain. Avoid saying things like "but they lived a full life" or "just remember all those good memories you have with them". Perhaps you might feel awkward talking about loss & pain, but when you've just lost someone, that's the one thing you need to be able to feel; loss & pain. You need to free to feel that & trying to make light of the tragedy by telling them to have a more positive outlook on the situation is really not the right way to go about it, at least not at this time.

- Remember that words are powerful. They can be damaging or healing. So, if you're not sure what to say, how to say it, ask someone for advice or just be sure you've thought things through. If you're attending a funeral, be respectful & gentle. Be sensitive & let that person know you're so happy to be there for them & that you wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

- And on that note, I'll end with this point. Everyone grieves differently. Even your closest friends or family members will likely grief differently than you would. If they need solitude, give them that. If they need company & want to talk over coffee, be there for them. If they just need to watch movies in bed, ask if you can join them. You don't have to talk about anything, but just be present. If you're not sure what they need, ask them what they need from you. Lastly, if you're not super close then just let them know you're there for them if they need anything & that you're praying for them.

Grief & Loss Part 2

I never talk about grief in this amount of depth normally because I feel people aren't that interested, but also I feel like it makes people feel uncomfortable or like I'm complaining too much about my problems. I still don't even know really why I feel so compelled to write all this out. Perhaps it's because someone else out there needs to feel heard & know they're not alone in their grief. Or perhaps it's because someone you know is grieving & you don't know how to help them since you might not know what that feels like if you haven't lost someone close to you. So maybe this is for you.

One of the things I find most frustrating & challenging about death is it's mystery. Especially when someone dies “before their time." It's simply not fair & I know that is how life goes most of the time. It's not fair. Perhaps though it's better than we can't understand it though. I don't know, but Lewis also writes “ We cannot understand. The best is perhaps what we understand least.” I think we can go pretty crazy asking that question “why!?!” so maybe he has a good point here. It's hard enough dealing with all the other thoughts & feelings grief brings about in your daily life. To try & solve this grand mystery is maybe just too much for us to ever comprehend. Perhaps, after all it is simply best to sit in silence, rest & be present in that mystery & let God's peace just take over, however long that takes.

The thing I probably struggle with the most is what my husband & children miss out on with these people gone from our lives. We can keep their story alive, but that's it. We can tell them about the amazing people they were & that's all we get to give them. My husband never got to meet my parents. He didn't get to help my dad with some new renovation he was working on. He never got to feel the warmth of the loving household I grew up in. He didn't get to know my mother's love or smile. Just stories of what I remember. And in return, they never got to know this amazing man I'm blessed to call mine. My children will never know the people who raised me. My mom didn't even get to see me become a mom. I couldn't call her when we miscarried our first child & cry to her about the pain & emptiness of your womb no longer carrying life. I didn't get to have her there for the birth of our beautiful daughter.

Then, there's the loss of your husband's mother. The amazing woman who raised him to be the incredible man he is today. The woman I thank God for always, for giving him life & for loving me as a daughter. My heart breaks simply for the fact she was lost to us way too soon. She was not granted physical healing for whatever reason. That she couldn't be here to see her 'petite poune' walk for the first time. For the first of everything. For her first birthday and for all the birthdays to come. I often wonder if Olivia were to see her grandma again today, if she would recognize her. Would she remember those precious moments with her. And if so, how much longer will she remember her for until she won't remember her at all, except for the stories we share with her. I wonder if there's ever been a child who remembers someone from when they were under 12 months old... but then I know that is not reality. It's quite impossible & this breaks me.

Following those heart breaks, there's the heart break of seeing others' who loved that person just as much & watch them continue to try & live each day with strength & relative happiness. My dad used to call me daily to chat after mom passed & it was such a bittersweet memory I get to cherish forever. You could hear his pain, but you could also hear how strong he was being, trying to carry on her legacy of love & joy. I'm grateful I have been witness to such immense strength in so many loved ones who have lived through much suffering as it gives me hope & courage to do the same.

Grief & Loss Part 1

“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”

This life is full of suffering. We all have our crosses to bear & it's no secret for those that know me personally, grief is my cross. I don't know why these things happen, but I know a thing or two about loss & the grief that inevitably follows. It's been weighing on my heart for months now to write about this, but it feels weird. I don't want to sound all “woe is me... my life is full of suffering... feel sorry for me”. At least that's how it sounds in my head, but I just feel like I can't contain this anymore without writing it out. So bare with me.

I also imagine, no wait, I KNOW I'm not the only one grieving the loss of a loved one or loved ones. I lost my mom to breast cancer in 2010. My dad to kidney cancer in 2011. Our first baby we lost at 8 weeks pregnant in 2014. And recently my mother inlaw to ovarian cancer in 2016. Whether you've lost a brother, sister, mom, dad, in law, baby, child, son, your spouse, daughter, niece, nephew, your baby/babies in the womb... it's grief when you lose someone you love. It's all grief & it's always spread over everything in your life afterward. There is this void, this space in your heart that will never be whole again. It's just there & won't go away.

Of course, there is the ideal situation where someone you love dearly, passes in their old age & you both had the time to reconcile if needed, to love each other, to talk, to have that closure & that time with each other. You know they've lived a good life & you're grateful you got to be in it. There's a beautiful mystery in that, knowing they've left this world in total peace. That's the ideal situation. There is of course still grief with that & it's important to go through that process. But I'm mostly talking about a different kind of grief. The kind that many of us have to experience & it's usually the worst kind of situation. Someone passing too young, someone dying suddenly, miscarriage, a tragic accident, cancer, etc. This is the kind of grief I'm mostly referring to here.

It's this constant ache or pain that never really leaves. Like the quote I have at the beginning of this post from CS Lewis' book “A Grief Observed”: “Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” Every milestone your baby reaches, every Christmas, summer, vacation, birthday... it's always missing that person. And feeling that absence stings your soul with just about anything that takes place in your life that has significance. And even on those days, those ordinary days when you're feeling like you just need to call up that person & knowing that you can't do that anymore is equally as painful as those big events in your life.

After hearing about what has transpired in my family's life over the past 6 years, a lot of people say things like “I don't know how you do it, how you still find joy.” I never really know how to respond to that initially, but after thinking about this for sometime, I figured out a couple of things.

1. By God's grace alone is the #1 reason I am the way I am today.
2. My parent's & my mother in law (practically another mother to me) were all “joy personified” people. They lived their humble little lives with the biggest heart for others. People who didn't like my parent's or my mother in law I'm guessing just didn't really know them, because they were joy, charity & love daily. I will only make them proud if I try & follow in their example. If I don't, then what was the point? Joy & love spreads & it starts with me.