Grief & Loss Part 3

Today is a hard day. 

It's my mother in law's first birthday in Heaven.

Thankfully though, the sun decided to start shining bright today & the wind is blowing the beautiful trees while the birds sing their songs, so my spirits are lifted. I know Denise is free of pain & suffering. I know that her life, suffering & death impacted many lives. I know her prayers are even more powerful now. I know she's with my parent's, but it's still hard.

We're approaching the year anniversary of her death in the next few months & my day to day life is still constantly overshadowed with grief. I still miss her. We used to talk daily, so getting used to that is a challenge, just like how it was with mom & dad. To be honest, I really thought I would be feeling more "back to myself" by now after being through this before. I thought this might be slightly easier & in ways, it has been of course, but I'm still feeling very sad after the year we've had.

What has made these last months especially hard is all the life milestones & events that I can no longer share with her. Like our daughter talking & learning new words. Sharing our new home with her & discussing the reno's we have planned for the future. Preparing for this baby on the way with her & getting excited with her. All these joyful things & events in our lives are still very much overshadowed with grief & sadness. I already knew that this was how things would go for the next while, I just didn't realize it would still be just as hard today as it was in the fall when she passed.

I will keep trying to navigate this mysterious map of grief, knowing that there likely isn't any real final destination. There's really just a peace that eventually comes & enters your heart if you let it. It's not there today & likely won't be for the next while, but one day it will be there & the shadow of pain will be lifted from the day to day life.

Happy birthday in Heaven Denise.
We miss you & love you.

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I wanted to end this "series" with a few notes on what you can do to help someone you know who is suffering through loss. So, here we go...

- There is, in a sense a hierarchy when it comes to death. This was a great article on that point. Please take a moment to read it. And I just wanted to mention, if you're that person that, in the past posted to social media perhaps a bit too soon & before the immediate family, please don't feel too bad. We all make mistakes. Just apologize, learn from it & move on.

- There is no set time that someone will grieve for. Some people might be in the throws of deep grief for years, where others aren't.

- Remembering a special date or anniversary & sending a random note or letter to let someone know you're thinking of them can really can go a long way.

- Sending/dropping off a meal, snacks, coffees, flowers or cards are all really good & important things to do. Even helping with chores, daycare or grocery runs can really help those who just lost someone. Dealing with funeral arrangements, funeral expenses, phone calls, emails & grief on top of it all, the regular day to day stuff can be very overwhelming. But especially food... it shows that person that you're taking care of a fundamental need & wanting to nourish them with physical food & love. However, remember to be sensitive... don't just show up, unless you feel they're that kind of person that is ok with that & if you're close enough. Ask when you can pop by to drop off something or even visit if you feel they would like that. Work around their schedule & understand they might not be able to have you visit right away.

- Say: "I'm sorry for your loss" or something to that effect if you're talking to someone who just lost someone they loved. Acknowledge their loss & pain. Avoid saying things like "but they lived a full life" or "just remember all those good memories you have with them". Perhaps you might feel awkward talking about loss & pain, but when you've just lost someone, that's the one thing you need to be able to feel; loss & pain. You need to free to feel that & trying to make light of the tragedy by telling them to have a more positive outlook on the situation is really not the right way to go about it, at least not at this time.

- Remember that words are powerful. They can be damaging or healing. So, if you're not sure what to say, how to say it, ask someone for advice or just be sure you've thought things through. If you're attending a funeral, be respectful & gentle. Be sensitive & let that person know you're so happy to be there for them & that you wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

- And on that note, I'll end with this point. Everyone grieves differently. Even your closest friends or family members will likely grief differently than you would. If they need solitude, give them that. If they need company & want to talk over coffee, be there for them. If they just need to watch movies in bed, ask if you can join them. You don't have to talk about anything, but just be present. If you're not sure what they need, ask them what they need from you. Lastly, if you're not super close then just let them know you're there for them if they need anything & that you're praying for them.