Joseph Stephen

I had this sense most of my pregnancy that this baby boy I dreamt of would arrive on his due date.
And boy, he did not disappoint!

(Took this the night before he was born... thinking he'll be joining us soon)

(Last picture of me pregnant, with Joe still in my tummy... I was so swollen)

My brother Bill, sister in law Mona & their two girls flew into Saskatoon from Vancouver a few days before Joseph was born. They have flown down after each birth so far to meet our babies & to get those awesome newborn snuggles in, but this time I was hoping for something even more special.

I always felt that if I were giving birth to my babies in BC that I would want my sisters there since my mom couldn't be. But living here in Saskatoon, that makes things challenging. Knowing now that I've given birth typically right around my due date I wanted to see if Bill & Mona wanted to fly down around my due date in hopes that Mona could also be present at the birth... then they would also get to enjoy the freshest of newborn snuggles! (Who doesn't love that?)

Mona has always been a peaceful, deep & thoughtfully generous woman in my life, ever since I've known her. I knew she would be an exceptional support during labour & I'm so thankful they were able to be here. They paused their life at home for 10 days to be with us, supporting us & taking care of us. Thankfully baby boy came right on his due date, so we had time before his arrival & after for visiting & everything. I felt so surrounded by love during those 10 days. Mona (and Bill) fed both our families during that time while also prepping meals, teas & broths for me to help before & after the birth.

---

On December 30th, there were signs & little things telling me that things could happen that night, so when Bill, Mona & their girls left that evening I told Mona to be prepared for a text later in the night telling her to come back to our place. We let Jonathan's dad know that he may need to come & get our girls that evening as well. We went to bed around 9/10? I don't really remember to be honest and sure enough right around 1AM, I woke up with a strong contraction. Went to the washroom & then fell back asleep only to be woken maybe 20 minutes later with another strong contraction. I woke Jonathan & told him this is it. So he got up and called his dad to come pick up the girls. I called my midwife Ros and while on the phone I was having surges... they were strong & consistent so she said she would be there in 30 minutes. (To be honest, when I heard 30 minutes, I panicked a little remembering my labour with Pippa was only ONE hour total, thinking... will she get here in time?) Thankfully - she did.

I messaged Mona & my two good friends Kelly & Carine that they should come to my house. It may seem like a lot of people, I know & it's not for everyone, but for me this was how I wanted things. Surrounded by those that mean so much to me, but also so they could help the midwives out if needed. I needed Jonathan to be present with me, holding me, helping me & not distracted by things like filling the pool, getting towels or other things, etc. I'm so glad I decided to have it this way, because when Ros arrived I realized labour was allllll in my back. It was back labour again, like I had with Olivia & at this point I needed Jonathan, to lean into him, hold his arms & to sway back & forth. The pool was filling up & Ros checked me & I was at 4 cm dilated. I tried to remember that it was just a number & that things could change quickly. Everyone arrived pretty much at the same time & I got into the pool because I knew that was the only thing that would be relieving for the back labour & my legs at this point were already tired from standing through the surges.

(I kind of love this photo. Jonathan supporting me. Basically it was like this the whole time I was in the pool. An image of our pregnant Blessed Mother. The kid's messy play kitchen behind us. A photo of my mom & dad on their wedding day. A dying plant on the shelf. A messy - beautiful life!) <3 

Labour intensified quickly & I felt very "pushy" soon. This was hard because I wasn't dilated enough to actually "push". I then got stuck for quite some time. Not able to really change positions & crying because I just wasn't feeling ready for another surge in my back. That back labour is just not cool, amiright? I figured that if I'm crying like this I must be in transition & getting close, but I was still stuck. Water still hadn't broken, & no progression. The second midwife Debbie showed up at some point as well & they had me move my hips a bit to try & move the baby's positioning & while that was so hard to do, it worked & soon after my water broke! (Hooray, but also... you know what's coming once that cushion of water is gone). Ros announced that the water was super vernixy & she hadn't seen water that vernixy before.

Soon, I was pushing! When his head was born Ros announced that there's tons of hair waving around in the water. I again, wasn't surprised because I knew this baby would have a head of dark hair. Then all of a sudden Ros said to me "catch your baby Liz!" I didn't realize that I would get to catch my baby, so it didn't register right away what she was saying. She said again, "grab your baby Liz!" So I reached down & pulled up out of the water, our sweet boy. I felt for so long like I was stuck & I didn't realize that I was at that point of catching my baby, so I was shocked but what an incredible moment in my life... I got to catch my baby boy & bring him up out of the water into my arms. It was a beautiful surprise as well because I didn't think I would get to catch my baby! I held him briefly, then showed Jonathan so he could see what we had. I knew it was my Joseph from my dream, but Jonathan got to check & see that yes, indeed, it was our son. Putting him back on my chest, the tears came. After three hours of back labour, our son Joseph Stephen arrived in the waters on his due date: December 31st, 2019 at 4:19AM. He was my smallest baby but not by much. 8 lbs, 5.5 oz & 20ish inches long. 

And ALL the dark fuzzy hair. He was so fuzzy.

After some time holding him & delivering the placenta, I handed him to Jonathan & got out of the pool to dry off & get into bed. After getting all checked & sorted out, I got to try nursing him & he started to nurse as if he had been nursing for the past 9 months. We couldn't believe how perfect he truly was. We officially decided he was for sure our Joseph Stephen & after nursing, Jonathan got some more skin to skin while I got to go shower. We all visited for some time, while the midwives tidied, did their paper work, did measurements & checked over the placenta. Ros discovered that the placenta was actually in the shape of a HEART which she also had never seen that before... so incredible.

After more time passed, the midwives left us to be alone with our son & Kelly & Carine left as well. Mona stayed up for sometime doing her magic in the Kitchen then she napped downstairs. The next day, our girls came back with their papa & got to meet their baby brother. I've never seen them smile so much, especially Olivia. She was SO proud to have her baby brother. My brother came by shortly after with his girls & they got to meet Joe as well. Mona during this time got some baby snuggles also while also prepping so much beautiful nourishing food & tea for me.
I felt like my mom was hugging me this whole time.

Words don't adequately describe how grateful I am for the support I've received but especially for a beautiful home water birth with no issues, for incredible midwives & for my family, especially for Mona & Bill. Each time I reflect on his birth I am brought to tears & I'm not sure that will change anytime soon. I'm eternally grateful for this joyful moment in my life where God gave me the gift of a THIRD baby earth side & a beautiful, safe & memorable home birth. Such a gift that I will always remember.
Our New Years Eve's will now always hold so much more joy than ever before.

Joseph Stephen Roth
12-31-19
8lbs 5.5 oz

Joseph Stephen - The boy of my dreams

Joseph Stephen

- boy of my dreams -

It all started around this time last year. In short I was not well. I was suffering from anxiety & panic attacks. Depression was lifting but still there. It took everything to get out of bed each morning. Sudden weight gain & just complete adrenal fatigue was my existence for most of that year. I was very much in a dark place. Also dreading turning 30, wishing I felt like me. Feeling like I failed at so many things because I wasn't where I thought I would be.

My sweet, generous husband was just starting Exodus 90 (an intense but fruitful spiritual exercise for men) & before he started he told me he was offering up his whole Exodus 90 for me & my health. Tears flowing as I write this, because I don't know what I did to ever deserve this incredible man. Throughout those 90 days, he fasted, prayed & sacrificed for me. He stayed up at night praying over me as I would have anxiety attacks & would put SAINT JOSEPH oil on my back as we waited for the attack to go away.

As we went through the 90 days, I was slowly feeling more & more like myself, but still felt like I was in a dark place. Still having attacks. Then one night, God gave me a gift. He gave me this dream & I will remember it forever. I know dreams don't always mean something, but I know this dream meant something. God was showing me the hope that was to come that I could hold onto & the gift of a baby boy that would bring ME new life.

I dreamt I was in labour, about to give birth. The midwife wasn't there yet because I hadn't called yet & Jonathan was on his way. I was in an empty bathtub & there with me beside the bathtub, was my MOM. I felt very calm because my mom was there. I soon gave birth & my mom caught the baby. A perfect, perfect baby.

As I was staring at this sweet light from Heaven, my mom says:

"Liz! It's your boy!"

To which I replied:

"I have a boy?! It's my Joseph!"

(He looked like this in my dream - minus the pjs)

His skin, face & everything about him just looked completely perfect & I remember waking up FEELING like I knew him & crying. I will remember his face in my dream always. His skin was like his dad's & he had tons of dark hair like Olivia did. We had always been talking about when we might try to have another baby, but because of my health I had been saying all this time that ideally, I needed more time, maybe in the fall.

As my birthday started approaching, the fog was truly lifting & I was starting to feel even more like me. Then my BFF decided to fly to Saskatoon & surprise me for a 30th birthday weekend celebration. All my friends (& hubby!) were in on it & I'm crying again as I type this. I didn't know what to think when I saw Abbey show up at my house! It was such a healing weekend for me. I had been so wrapped up in my own sufferings & feeling so low about who I was, feeling alone because people couldn't SEE my struggle. Other old wounds were brought to the surface & this weekend with my friends brought forth truth & healing into those dark parts of me.

Shortly after that weekend, Jonathan & I had discussed some more about how much better I was doing & that if we did get pregnant now it wouldn't be ideal just yet, but that we were open to it. And because of that surprise weekend, it did some fun things with my cycle.
(#NFP - if you know, you know).

---

Well, God gave me another dream the day before Easter Weekend. I dreamt that I woke up & took a positive pregnancy test. So, of course I woke up early that morning (HOLY THURSDAY) & figured I should go ahead & take one... sure enough. Two lines! 

(The line is faint but there!)

Complete joy took over, but also shock! It was a miracle & sort of surprise because I had needed progesterone to get pregnant both times before & this time, when I didn't even feel my healthiest, I got pregnant, without progesterone! I knew then that my dream would become reality & that God was going to take care of everything. He had given me this gift of KNOWING who I was carrying in my womb. The gift of seeing his perfect beautiful face & that dream carried me through. Anytime I started to worry, I just remembered the boy of my dreams & I was reassured.

God is in the details.

- Birth Story to come in another post -

Philippa Joy

Philippa Joy - July 18th, 2017

Well, we've hit the 1 year mark! Pippa is 12 months old today & I don't really know how this year went by so dang fast. Well, I know why... but I'm sitting wondering "what on earth did I even do this year?" But, that's for another blog post. Today I'm sharing Pippa's speedy birth story! So, if birth stories make you cringe, then you I would recommend exiting out at this point in time. This is a birth story!

I can't believe it's taken me a full year to write down her birth story, but alas... here we are. Let's get started.

-------

On the Sunday, July 16th we went to Mass that morning like usual. It was such a good Mass & Father was talking about giving our struggles to God & at this point in my pregnancy I was very ready to meet baby. I really felt & thought I would have already have given birth by then. Although, I wasn't overdue, I knew baby was really low & it would happen any moment. So that Mass, I finally let go of my fears & just surrendered it all to the Lord. I asked for the graces I needed for labour, but most especially that he take away all my anxiety & fear about labour. (While Olivia's birth was incredible, it was 12 intense hours of non stop back labour). I was fearful of having back labour again & fearful of the pain. I knew I needed to go into labour without that fear looming over me so that was my prayer.

Later that day, we went swimming at the outdoor pool since, it was so hot & for me the water is very comforting. Also, it was about the only activity that I could do without pain at that point in time. Talking with some friends at the pool, I remember saying I just felt like... soon it'll happen.

Monday, July 17th at 39 weeks 5 days, I woke up with contractions. Jonathan went to work & I felt AMAZING. Total opposite of Olivia's labour. I got cleaning done, baking done, laundry done... I even cleaned windows. Who was I? I had so much energy - more energy than I had in months. I could tell they were real contractions since I had to pause here & there to breathe through them, but they weren't even too bad which sounds crazy as I type that out. I had my father in law come & pick up Olivia for the afternoon so I could try & rest. But I just laid there timing contractions. 5 minutes apart. 10 minutes apart. 4 minutes apart. 20 minutes apart. They were all about 1 minute long, but not consistently 4-5 minutes apart.

I started to not feel super great come supper time, so I had some fruit. We got some more stuff prepared for baby in case things would happen quickly. I didn't call my midwife yet since I had been feeling so well & since the contractions weren't consistent I figured I would wait. Jonathan prayed our rosary before bed while I timed contractions... they seemed to calm down a bit but were still more noticeable at this time. I decided I would call the midwives in the morning if nothing progressed throughout the night. After praying I said to Jonathan "Maybe I should put some towels under my side of the bed incase my water breaks tonight." He replied "I'm sure it'll be fine, it doesn't seem like it'll break tonight."


Not even 1 minute goes by after he said that & pop! My water broke!!!!!


I rushed to the washroom, while he rushed to call his dad to come pick up Olivia. NOW the contractions were coming & they were INTENSE. We called the midwife to come & I'm pretty sure my father inlaw made it to our house in about 5 minutes. I said goodbye & hugged Olivia & was swaying in our bedroom with the contractions. I got out the exercise ball, turned of all the lights, put in my headphones to start listening to the hypno-birthing meditations. I know it sounds crazy, but that booked helped me so much!

I didn't get 2 minutes in & I already had to be standing, swaying & breathing very loudly through the contractions. At this time I texted my friend Kelly & Jonathan's cousin Carine that "my water broke & they could come anytime now." So ominous! I should have just told them to "come now!" I wanted them to be there for the birth, but my text implied they had time. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I sent some quick texts to family saying my water broke & that I would try & keep them posted, but I couldn't. The contractions were so intense. Thankfully, the midwife arrived in probably 10 minutes & she was helping me through them. She was exactly what I needed. So calming & reassuring. After being there for about 5 minutes, she told Jonathan to stop setting up the birthing pool. There wouldn't be time. I was having this baby in our bedroom!

She finally was able to check me in between contractions & I was only at 6cm dilated. I felt discouraged but tried to remember that it was just a number. Not long after she checked me I started getting super uncomfortable & felt the urge to push. When Ros (our main midwife) arrived I was whining and saying that I was just at 6cm only 5 minutes ago & now I need to push. Ros checked me again & I was at 10cm!!!!!! She said "go for it!" Once I started to push, Kelly arrived & was shocked that the baby was already being born! She arrived just in time.

I have to say, reading that hypno-birthing book really helped me understand contractions (surges) better & also how to "push" more effectively. A couple pushes in, baby's head was almost born. I had to slow down so she wouldn't come out too fast, so Ros asked me to "breathe her down". Then magically, I breathed her head out, took another couple of pauses, waited for another contraction & then she was born!

She was a very sleepy newborn & refused to open her eyes for anything.

Jonathan was able to announce "it's a girl!" (I knew it would be, I just had that feeling like I did with Olivia). I got to hold her on my chest right away & we just laid there in disbelief that she was here so quickly. My water broke at around 11pm & she was born around 12:30am, July 18th! An hour & a half of labour!!!!

Ros asked me if I had any guesses as to how much she weighed. This whole pregnancy I thought for sure she would be smaller than Olivia (8lb, 6oz) so I said maybe 8lb, 3oz. So wrong! Ros said "there's no way she's under 9lb! She's delievered many babies, so I knew she was right, but also was still in disbelief that I birthed a 9lb, 3 oz baby so quickly! Shortly after that, Carine arrived in total shock that she missed the whole thing!! Next time Carine ;)

My body was in shock though I think from the labour happening so fast. I knew it would likely be quicker this time around, but I didn't expect it to be that quick. I was shaking uncontrollably & cramping so we decided a warm shower would be best & it helped so much. I can't believe I didn't bother showering after Olivia's birth! It was amazing & helped me calm down a lot. I got into bed & the chaos of birth was already all cleaned up & our bed was ready for me to lay beside our girl & try nursing. It was incredible... she latched on right away & we decided officially her name would be Philippa Joy Roth.

(About 1 hour old here)

Jonathan holding her for the first time while I showered.

Kelly & Carine were so amazing to have present with us. They took photos, helped me, helped clean & of course got some baby snuggles too. It was truly beautiful sharing these raw moments with these women. Of course I forgot to get pictures with the midwives, but perhaps next baby I'll remember.

Kelly with Pippa

Carine with Pippa

We love you Pip!

Philippa (Pippa) is named after Saint Philippa Mareri. Joy (Joy/Joyce is the english version of Jucunda) is after Saint Jucunda. Not much is known about Saint Jucunda but I knew her middle name had to be Joy. When we found out we were expecting baby number two, it brought us so much joy, at a very dark time in our lives & she truly is the most joyful little soul!

Olivia loved meeting her new baby sis!

Our little Philippa has been such a beautiful blessing to us & we are so grateful we've been given the task of raising her. She blended into our family as if she was always there & as if I always knew her even before I met her.
We are so in love!

- Liz

Grief & Loss Part 3

Today is a hard day. 

It's my mother in law's first birthday in Heaven.

Thankfully though, the sun decided to start shining bright today & the wind is blowing the beautiful trees while the birds sing their songs, so my spirits are lifted. I know Denise is free of pain & suffering. I know that her life, suffering & death impacted many lives. I know her prayers are even more powerful now. I know she's with my parent's, but it's still hard.

We're approaching the year anniversary of her death in the next few months & my day to day life is still constantly overshadowed with grief. I still miss her. We used to talk daily, so getting used to that is a challenge, just like how it was with mom & dad. To be honest, I really thought I would be feeling more "back to myself" by now after being through this before. I thought this might be slightly easier & in ways, it has been of course, but I'm still feeling very sad after the year we've had.

What has made these last months especially hard is all the life milestones & events that I can no longer share with her. Like our daughter talking & learning new words. Sharing our new home with her & discussing the reno's we have planned for the future. Preparing for this baby on the way with her & getting excited with her. All these joyful things & events in our lives are still very much overshadowed with grief & sadness. I already knew that this was how things would go for the next while, I just didn't realize it would still be just as hard today as it was in the fall when she passed.

I will keep trying to navigate this mysterious map of grief, knowing that there likely isn't any real final destination. There's really just a peace that eventually comes & enters your heart if you let it. It's not there today & likely won't be for the next while, but one day it will be there & the shadow of pain will be lifted from the day to day life.

Happy birthday in Heaven Denise.
We miss you & love you.

------

I wanted to end this "series" with a few notes on what you can do to help someone you know who is suffering through loss. So, here we go...

- There is, in a sense a hierarchy when it comes to death. This was a great article on that point. Please take a moment to read it. And I just wanted to mention, if you're that person that, in the past posted to social media perhaps a bit too soon & before the immediate family, please don't feel too bad. We all make mistakes. Just apologize, learn from it & move on.

- There is no set time that someone will grieve for. Some people might be in the throws of deep grief for years, where others aren't.

- Remembering a special date or anniversary & sending a random note or letter to let someone know you're thinking of them can really can go a long way.

- Sending/dropping off a meal, snacks, coffees, flowers or cards are all really good & important things to do. Even helping with chores, daycare or grocery runs can really help those who just lost someone. Dealing with funeral arrangements, funeral expenses, phone calls, emails & grief on top of it all, the regular day to day stuff can be very overwhelming. But especially food... it shows that person that you're taking care of a fundamental need & wanting to nourish them with physical food & love. However, remember to be sensitive... don't just show up, unless you feel they're that kind of person that is ok with that & if you're close enough. Ask when you can pop by to drop off something or even visit if you feel they would like that. Work around their schedule & understand they might not be able to have you visit right away.

- Say: "I'm sorry for your loss" or something to that effect if you're talking to someone who just lost someone they loved. Acknowledge their loss & pain. Avoid saying things like "but they lived a full life" or "just remember all those good memories you have with them". Perhaps you might feel awkward talking about loss & pain, but when you've just lost someone, that's the one thing you need to be able to feel; loss & pain. You need to free to feel that & trying to make light of the tragedy by telling them to have a more positive outlook on the situation is really not the right way to go about it, at least not at this time.

- Remember that words are powerful. They can be damaging or healing. So, if you're not sure what to say, how to say it, ask someone for advice or just be sure you've thought things through. If you're attending a funeral, be respectful & gentle. Be sensitive & let that person know you're so happy to be there for them & that you wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

- And on that note, I'll end with this point. Everyone grieves differently. Even your closest friends or family members will likely grief differently than you would. If they need solitude, give them that. If they need company & want to talk over coffee, be there for them. If they just need to watch movies in bed, ask if you can join them. You don't have to talk about anything, but just be present. If you're not sure what they need, ask them what they need from you. Lastly, if you're not super close then just let them know you're there for them if they need anything & that you're praying for them.

Grief & Loss Part 2

I never talk about grief in this amount of depth normally because I feel people aren't that interested, but also I feel like it makes people feel uncomfortable or like I'm complaining too much about my problems. I still don't even know really why I feel so compelled to write all this out. Perhaps it's because someone else out there needs to feel heard & know they're not alone in their grief. Or perhaps it's because someone you know is grieving & you don't know how to help them since you might not know what that feels like if you haven't lost someone close to you. So maybe this is for you.

One of the things I find most frustrating & challenging about death is it's mystery. Especially when someone dies “before their time." It's simply not fair & I know that is how life goes most of the time. It's not fair. Perhaps though it's better than we can't understand it though. I don't know, but Lewis also writes “ We cannot understand. The best is perhaps what we understand least.” I think we can go pretty crazy asking that question “why!?!” so maybe he has a good point here. It's hard enough dealing with all the other thoughts & feelings grief brings about in your daily life. To try & solve this grand mystery is maybe just too much for us to ever comprehend. Perhaps, after all it is simply best to sit in silence, rest & be present in that mystery & let God's peace just take over, however long that takes.

The thing I probably struggle with the most is what my husband & children miss out on with these people gone from our lives. We can keep their story alive, but that's it. We can tell them about the amazing people they were & that's all we get to give them. My husband never got to meet my parents. He didn't get to help my dad with some new renovation he was working on. He never got to feel the warmth of the loving household I grew up in. He didn't get to know my mother's love or smile. Just stories of what I remember. And in return, they never got to know this amazing man I'm blessed to call mine. My children will never know the people who raised me. My mom didn't even get to see me become a mom. I couldn't call her when we miscarried our first child & cry to her about the pain & emptiness of your womb no longer carrying life. I didn't get to have her there for the birth of our beautiful daughter.

Then, there's the loss of your husband's mother. The amazing woman who raised him to be the incredible man he is today. The woman I thank God for always, for giving him life & for loving me as a daughter. My heart breaks simply for the fact she was lost to us way too soon. She was not granted physical healing for whatever reason. That she couldn't be here to see her 'petite poune' walk for the first time. For the first of everything. For her first birthday and for all the birthdays to come. I often wonder if Olivia were to see her grandma again today, if she would recognize her. Would she remember those precious moments with her. And if so, how much longer will she remember her for until she won't remember her at all, except for the stories we share with her. I wonder if there's ever been a child who remembers someone from when they were under 12 months old... but then I know that is not reality. It's quite impossible & this breaks me.

Following those heart breaks, there's the heart break of seeing others' who loved that person just as much & watch them continue to try & live each day with strength & relative happiness. My dad used to call me daily to chat after mom passed & it was such a bittersweet memory I get to cherish forever. You could hear his pain, but you could also hear how strong he was being, trying to carry on her legacy of love & joy. I'm grateful I have been witness to such immense strength in so many loved ones who have lived through much suffering as it gives me hope & courage to do the same.

Grief & Loss Part 1

“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”

This life is full of suffering. We all have our crosses to bear & it's no secret for those that know me personally, grief is my cross. I don't know why these things happen, but I know a thing or two about loss & the grief that inevitably follows. It's been weighing on my heart for months now to write about this, but it feels weird. I don't want to sound all “woe is me... my life is full of suffering... feel sorry for me”. At least that's how it sounds in my head, but I just feel like I can't contain this anymore without writing it out. So bare with me.

I also imagine, no wait, I KNOW I'm not the only one grieving the loss of a loved one or loved ones. I lost my mom to breast cancer in 2010. My dad to kidney cancer in 2011. Our first baby we lost at 8 weeks pregnant in 2014. And recently my mother inlaw to ovarian cancer in 2016. Whether you've lost a brother, sister, mom, dad, in law, baby, child, son, your spouse, daughter, niece, nephew, your baby/babies in the womb... it's grief when you lose someone you love. It's all grief & it's always spread over everything in your life afterward. There is this void, this space in your heart that will never be whole again. It's just there & won't go away.

Of course, there is the ideal situation where someone you love dearly, passes in their old age & you both had the time to reconcile if needed, to love each other, to talk, to have that closure & that time with each other. You know they've lived a good life & you're grateful you got to be in it. There's a beautiful mystery in that, knowing they've left this world in total peace. That's the ideal situation. There is of course still grief with that & it's important to go through that process. But I'm mostly talking about a different kind of grief. The kind that many of us have to experience & it's usually the worst kind of situation. Someone passing too young, someone dying suddenly, miscarriage, a tragic accident, cancer, etc. This is the kind of grief I'm mostly referring to here.

It's this constant ache or pain that never really leaves. Like the quote I have at the beginning of this post from CS Lewis' book “A Grief Observed”: “Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” Every milestone your baby reaches, every Christmas, summer, vacation, birthday... it's always missing that person. And feeling that absence stings your soul with just about anything that takes place in your life that has significance. And even on those days, those ordinary days when you're feeling like you just need to call up that person & knowing that you can't do that anymore is equally as painful as those big events in your life.

After hearing about what has transpired in my family's life over the past 6 years, a lot of people say things like “I don't know how you do it, how you still find joy.” I never really know how to respond to that initially, but after thinking about this for sometime, I figured out a couple of things.

1. By God's grace alone is the #1 reason I am the way I am today.
2. My parent's & my mother in law (practically another mother to me) were all “joy personified” people. They lived their humble little lives with the biggest heart for others. People who didn't like my parent's or my mother in law I'm guessing just didn't really know them, because they were joy, charity & love daily. I will only make them proud if I try & follow in their example. If I don't, then what was the point? Joy & love spreads & it starts with me.